This was also a time when it seemed like everyone I was growing up with was getting out their maps and finding their direction. When you are fourteen, you can think of a lot of examples that support this idea. That anything I did secretly was proofed by the secret-keeping as a sin. What I was compelled to do secretly was a compulsion born of the inherent shame of that thing. I’m not a theologian, so I’m not sure of that pastor’s take, but this idea seemed at once titillating and awful. The idea, said the pastor, is that if your deeds are in darkness, they are dark, and would be a source of shame for those who are in the light to even speak of. The sermon was about secrets, and after Ephesians 5:12 - for it is shameful even to speak of the things that they do in secret.
I didn’t go to church very often, but I remember nearly eidetically a sermon I listened to when I was fourteen, at a school friend’s church. Secret drinking, secret gambling, secret boyfriends, secret girlfriends, secret/second families, secret lives. I was very young when I became interested, so interested in stories of people doing something in secret.
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